The cancer is back, my mother tearfully informed me. There are several spots, including a couple in my brain. The words were like a heavy boulder in the pit of my stomach. All at once my world came crashing in. At twenty years of age I wasn’t ready to lose my mother. I felt fear, anger and sorrow. We all new the possibility of the cancer returning was there, we just thought it would never happen.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in the spring of 2000. After having a mastectomy and going through chemotherapy treatments, she went into remission for a year.

In the fall of 2002, all of our fears returned along with the cancer. "My mother is a fighter," I thought "she will fight this off again." Once again she began treatments, this time instead of chemotherapy it was radiation. I watched my mother fight with everything that was in her, for us. The radiation made her weak and sore and her medication made her act like a child.

At one point I found myself alone in my room on my face on my floor sobbing, the only words I could manage to get out wer "Why God? please don’t let her die".

As hard as my mother fought to live the cancer fought harder to take her from us. She was hospitalized at the end of April from complications from the radiation. That weekend I returned from a youth conference and received a phone call from my sister informing me that my mother had made the decision to stop treatments and that hospice was being called in. I didn’t realize the severity of this until she told me that hospice was only called in to make a person comfortable as they began there journey towards death. It was at that moment I knew I was losing my mother. Needless to say I didn’t take it well. I pulled away from my friends, I didn’t smile as easily and I poured myself into all kinds of activities. My heart was breaking and I had no one to talk to. My mother was always the one that I talked to. I felt abandoned and alone. I watched a strong independent woman dwindle into a weak, weary woman who was dependant on others. I saw her suffer and it tore at my heart.

It was in the middle of this that a song was brought to my attention, a song that would become the theme song for my life over the next few months. My best friend works at a Christian radio station and one day she called me at work, "Turn on the radio" she told me, I want you to hear the next song that I am going to play, it's for you." I told her I would and hung up with her as I proceeded to turn on the radio. Then I waited. Gently the soft strains of the song came drifting over the radio waves. "The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear and I don’t know the reason why you brought me here, but I will go through this valley if you want me to", the lyrics pierced my heart with exceeding force. The tears streamed down my cheeks as the all of the pain, fear and confusion that I felt came pouring out.

I began to shake as I dropped my head to my desk. I felt God whisper into my heart, "When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." I felt Him beckoning me to come to Him and place my burden into His arms, and I knew that He cried tears of His own, because of my pain.

I grew up in a Christian home and understood who Jesus was at the age of twelve. I got serious about giving my life to Christ when I was seventeen. I began to strive to place Christ first in my life, but my faith took a serious beating as I watched the mother I loved suffer. I became angry at God. I yelled at Him, I doubted His love, I even ignored Him. He however never once abandoned me. As that song played into my heart, I felt God near like never before. Trust me, He seemed to say. So I surrendered my mother into His loving arms.

On the afternoon of Sunday October 5th my sister called me and told me that I needed to get to my mother's house right away, that she had taken a turn for the worse and wouldn’t last much longer. Not knowing what was waiting me and afraid to find out I didn’t go until the evening. I remember sitting in the living room near my mother's bed with family members spread throughout the house, with my heart sinking in dread and feeling very much alone. I wondered where God was, it was then that someone said "Roseanna, there is someone here to see you. To my surprise two of my closest friends had come and another was on the way. They weren’t sure whether they should be there, but I quickly assured them that I needed them there and was thankful they had come. It was like a hug from God, letting me know that He was indeed near. Over the next two days one or all of them were there to hold my hand, give me a hug, or just sit with me as I cried. If I called they were quick to respond. God’s presence was felt like never before.

My mother died on October 8, 2003 just a little past midnight. It was one of the worst moments of my life and at the same time I knew she was in a better place. The past few months haven’t been easy and there have been times when I have felt her absence in a very real way. At those times all that I can do is cry and place my hurt in God’s healing hands. I am healing, slowly and God has given me opportunities to share what He has done for me. When I want to give up and yell at God, I remember something my mother told me. "Roseanna, please don’t be angry at God, continue to serve Him and trust Him, because He is all that you have, and when it is your time to die I will be waiting on the other side with Jesus as He welcomes you home".

That is what keeps me going.

Someday I will see her again.

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